


Grown Ups Who Never Grew Up

by TaoAndThen



Series: Twisting the Knife: Sharpening the Blade [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Astrology, Child Soldiers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Fluff, First Crush, Flashbacks, Growing Up, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Military Backstory, Original Character-centric, Sibling Bonding, Team as Family, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-07 01:41:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3156215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaoAndThen/pseuds/TaoAndThen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another Five Song Challenge, in five parts, spanning Saskia and Erwin's meeting to their personal and professional relationships now.</p><p>(For those who haven't read my previous ones or seen these before the rules are simple- pick a fandom, theme, character, etc.  Turn on your music player and write a drabble related to the fandom, theme, character, etc for the first five songs that play)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Little Girl and The Young Adult

**Author's Note:**

> Little Saskia and new cadet Erwin, before their sibling bond has been properly established. This is before he went over to 'the dark side'...Yeah I really couldn't think of a better way to say it. So here's some young Saskia/pre-manipulated Erwin fluff. The purest of the pure fluff. And by that I mean Saskia before she completely turned to stone.
> 
> (As for Erwin's age, you might recall that I made one minor detail alteration because of a miscalculation I caught after I began the story; for those who don't recall he joined the trainees slightly older than most, which is why he's a 'young adult', as he would be about 18 or so here)

**1.)** **“Amaryllis”, Shinedown**

“I really am fine. I have had far worse injuries before. It is only a broken arm.” The ten-year-old ravenette said this as though sustaining such injuries within the walls was a commonplace occurrence. Unfortunately it was for some more than others, and she fell into the former category. Many found it strange that a young child would be working in the military, let alone an unofficial member of the Survey Corps, at the same age children began the standardized five year training program. 

“If you keep breaking bones they won’t be able to heal properly.” Despite finding it odd that a child was working in the military few if any at all voiced this concern; the Commander was her legal guardian so her livelihood was at his discretion, or rather his mercy. One cadet did make mention of it to her from time to time but she always wrote him off. 

“Incentivizing. A reason to _continue_ working hard, no, harder, to prevent this from becoming habitual. I am very glad that the Commander made me ambidextrous or these tasks would be impossible.” Saskia continued scribbling away in the ledger before her, occasionally sparing glances at various receipts and proofs or purchase piled chronologically around her small desk. 

“Made you?” 

“Why do you act as if that is so out of the norm?” 

“How did he ‘make you’?” 

“Method is irrelevant.” She flexed her left palm, a pale scar from a deep gash running across it like a crescent. “It was for the sake of efficiency. It was for my own good.” 

 

 **2.)** **“Stay With Me”, Colbie Caillat**

Saskia shook her head disapprovingly, making a loud snort of disgust as she walked by a pair of cadets she caught sneaking off at night. Earlier she had heard the young couple make plans to meet up after hours, unaware that the halls were roamed by an ever vigilant monitor. After delivering a stern lecture and escorting them to their respective dorms she continued her nightly routine until her own curfew arrived. 

“I simply cannot understand why cadets, or anyone for that matter would find it, would **make** it a priority! Sacrificing sleep to unite under the cover of nightfall when they know very well that lost sleep will deeply impact their performance during training.” 

“Well, Saskia, perhaps you’re too young to understand but-” 

“If I can make sense of how exactly you damaged your gear cadet,” she snapped, pointing at the 3DMG she was repairing, “I firmly believe I can make sense of something so juvenile. Even if _it_ doesn’t make sense.” 

“Not to a child.” 

“Age is a number. Age is relative.” She continued tinkering away at Erwin’s broken gear, damaged during a training exercise earlier that day. “Honestly, I am very surprised at you. Allowing the steel wires to become tangled in the operative section…I sincerely hope that you are not becoming distracted by a female. I would be highly disappointed in you if you were.” 

“I would wager to say that when you’re older you’ll probably become ‘distracted’ just like the rest of us,” Erwin replied suppressing a laugh. 

“So you admit it! You are distracted! I ought to make you run laps…” 

“And I pity the man who has to deal with you.”

 

 **3.) “Goshen”, Beirut**

The small youth stood next to the Commander, one fist curled over her heart and the other over the small of her back. Shadows cast by the funeral pyre burning brightly before them danced across her face, exaggerating the puffiness mapped by the curves of her moist eyelids. 

“Don’t cry Saskia,” he said sternly. “No deaths were in vain and their sacrifices were necessary.” 

“Their sacrifices, or sacrifices, sir?” She slowly tilted her head up and towards him. 

“There’s no difference.” His eyes remained on the pyre. “Soon you’re going to start venturing out beyond the walls with us. You need to be ready for that. You aren’t allowed to cry when a comrade falls. Do you know why?” 

“No, sir. Why?” 

“Because it will be your responsibility to make sure they don’t. If you don’t want to keep crying over them, then don’t let them die. Any of them. Am I understood?” 

She thought his logic infallible, as made evident by the hardened facial expression she took on to mimic his. Her attention returned to the pyre. “Yes, sir. Understood, sir.” 

Erwin was one of the many helping throw the bagged bodies into the pyre. He had grown accustomed to her mourning and tried to give her a look of reassurance, that it would be okay someday because someday there would no longer be Titans to take their comrades away from her. Instead he caught a glimpse of a rather startling sight. Her green orbs weren’t soaked in the pain of loss but tainted the bitterness of preemptive guilt.

 

 **4.) “From the Bottom Of My Heart”, The Wallflowers**

“What the hell is the matter with all of you?! I thought you were all Survey Corps cadets, not a bunch of candy ass flower-badge wearing Garrison pussies!” Keith paced back and forth before the rows of cadets during their mid-day training exercise. Right now they were to do two-hundred consecutive pushups, and would have to start over again if they lost count or succumbed to fatigue. He would call out cadets that were struggling to berate them, and then continue on to revile the entire lot of them. “Surely you could manage to do this during your trainee days!” 

They certainly could manage it during their trainee days except this time they were expected to complete the exercise with weights on their backs, each proportioned to their respective height and weight. 

“If you think this hurts then imagine what Titan teeth snapping your spine in half will feel like! Don’t wanna know what that feels like?! Then keep moving, pansies! Or I’ll throw you over Wall Maria myself! From now on when you cry babies start collapsing we’ll either add more or increase the number of pushups you have to do! How does that sound?!” 

No one made a sound though the majority were sobbing internally, trying to remember why they didn’t join the Garrison. 

Saskia ran out from the headquarters to the open field and up to the Commander. As she saluted she quickly burst out, “Sir! The Commander of the Military Police has arrived earlier than scheduled and is demanding to meet with you at this moment!” 

“Are you fucking kidding me…? Damn it! Saskia, watch these worthless fucks! Make sure they all get to two-hundred without stopping or dropping!” he ordered before storming off. 

“Yes sir!” 

As soon as he was gone they began to slow their pace, some looking relieved. Their redemption had come in the form of a ten-year-old girl. Despite not having been there for very long one of the cadets knew not to stop as word would reach the Commander immediately. 

Her little nose scrunched and she folded her arms behind her back, slowly starting to pace back and forth in front of them. She looked like a tiny, female, black-haired version of the Commander in both aura and stride. “Seeing as I was not informed as to exactly where you left off,” she began in a loud voice they didn’t believe tiny vocal chords capable of producing, “we will begin again from one and do the exercise together, to ensure that no one cheats in their counting! That said, you have a ten second break. Use it wisely.” She walked off to the side of the field. 

They murmured quietly amongst themselves in confusion. Why would she give them a break when she just ordered them to start over? The answer came when she returned, a weight in her hands. She got down on her stomach, placed the weight in the center of her straightened back, and positioned her arms. “Are you weaklings ready?! On my count! Now, UP! One! Two! Three!” 

All but one was shocked to see Saskia not only leading but participating in the exercise, screaming obscenities at those who looked ready to give way. Rather, Erwin was disappointed. What happened to the sweet and hard-working little girl he met when he joined the Survey Corps? Who was this miniature version of Shardis?

 

 **5.) “Emptiness Man (Demo Version)”, Shinedown**

“Sir, I understand that she’s undergone a rigorous training regiment since she was a child, but she is still a child. Aren’t you concerned for her safety?” 

“Her safety?” Shardis couldn’t help but laugh condescendingly. “Listen to me Cadet Smith, and listen well. There are things about that kid, unique things, I wouldn’t expect someone as young as you to understand or appreciate. I know you’ve been spending time with her and keeping an eye on her so I’m not surprised you’re the only one with the audacity _and_ guts to come to me and openly question my decision. But that decision is final. Saskia Messmann will be attending the next expedition. End of discussion.” 

“But sir, if I may-” 

“You may not,” were Shardis’ cold, and final words before dismissing Erwin. The blond did his best to bite his tongue, almost literally to hold back his own harsh words, leaving as composed as he had been upon entering. 

Training Saskia made sense to him; she was legally under his protection and he was head of one of the three military branches. But how hard had he been training her? And for how long? Where did those random injuries come from? He hadn’t the slightest idea and a part of him didn’t want to know for fear of how disgusting the truth might be. It had been eating away at him ever since Saskia began her tradition of Expedition Eve, taking care of and overseeing all preparations for the expedition exactly one month from the day it was scheduled for. She was excited but didn’t express it in the may most her age would. Her excitement came in the form of looking at her reflection of perfectly polished gear and having balanced the budget after making the necessary expenses on medical supplies and rations. 

There was a time when Saskia would wave them off, wish them well, and radiate an insurmountable confidence. Now she rode with them, still as confident and yet detached from herself at the same time. She relayed orders and set off signal flares just as any other soldier but the enthusiasm wasn’t charming or infectious. It was ugly and dangerous. He tried to take solace in the fact that she was still smiling the same wide and bright smile she flashed when they met. If she could smile in the face of death, both literally and metaphorically, maybe Shardis was right about this uniqueness he alluded to. Maybe there was more to her than a love of history and vanilla tea. But whatever it was, knowing that it was in Shardis’ hands didn’t bode well with him.


	2. The Adolescent and the Young Adult

**1.) “Black Cat”, Mayday Parade**

“This is not treachery. No, no, this is _blasphemy_.” 

“Saskia, the Survey Corps isn’t a religion.” Erwin rolled his eyes. 

The young soldier shook her head as she watched from a distance as the Commander signed off the documents permitting Nile Dawk to transfer to the Military Police. “That is no excuse to defile its sanctity.” 

“‘Defile its sanctity’? Exactly how much sleep you get last night?” 

“Inconsequential,” she growled and folded her arms over her chest. “I recall the days of my childhood when I would patrol these halls every night to ensure no one violated curfew. And now here I stand watching someone **defect** because his better judgment was annihilated by his hormones. It is one thing to not have the stomach for this branch, to wish for the safety of the interior. That, on an intellectual level, I can understand…even if I neither condone nor appreciate it. But to leave because of a woman?” Her nose wrinkled. “Appalling.” 

_I sincerely hope she never finds out Nile and I both have feelings for Marie._ “I suppose it does seem rather…flippant of him.” _Most girls her age would find what he’s doing romantic. That’s one awkward conversation I’ll never have to hold with her. Bullet dodged…_

“Flippant? Pfft. Merciful language. That woman bewitched him.”

 

 **2.) “Sweet Talker”, Carly Rae Jepsen**

Saskia carefully inspected her complexion, running her fingers along her cheeks and tracing the outline of her jaw with her fingertip. She watched every precise and meticulous movement in the small mirror she held in her other hand, shifting the angle occasionally to look at her lips, nose, and eyes. On her lap was a note she found stuffed under her doorway, now unfolded. It was a confession of admiration, vaguely hinting at one of a romantic persuasion, left by an anonymous writer. The letters were shaky and there were small smudge marks and streaks, implying that it was penned by an owner of sweaty, anxious palms. 

The note complimented her commanding presence, her posture, her modesty, but there were also subtle comments on the light shade of her lips, vibrant eyes, and glowing skin (a sign of good health according to the anonymous writer). Never before had she considered her lips to be of a particularly noteworthy shade, her eyes to hold any striking degree of color, or her skin’s condition as indicative of great self-care. An awkward and novel warmth bubbled in her stomach and there was an uncomfortable flutter in her chest. Much to her relief a distraction was on its way. 

“Name and business,” she ordered before said distraction had the chance to knock on her door. 

“Cadet Erwin Smith with paperwork requiring your authorization to be submitted to the Commander.” 

“What?...Enter.” _Please be an officer application, please be an officer application, please be an officer application!_ She set the mirror and note aside as he came in, looking rather anxious himself. “Is that what I think it is?” she asked eagerly as she took the document from him and began to review it. 

“I believe so. I suppose having the Commander’s ‘right hand man’ give it a once over before submission gives me a slightly unfair advantage-” 

“I would have recommended you for a leadership position regardless,” she replied dismissively, then narrowed her eyes at him. “And I have already told you not to make any remarks implying that _I_ hold some sort of position of authority here. If anything I am a tenant.” 

“Who kills Titans.” 

“That is how I pay rent,” she joked and continued reading. As she read his application letter Erwin noticed wrinkled sheet with the words ‘Dear Saskia’ at the top. He leaned forward slightly to get a better view. 

“‘I know I haven’t been a cadet for very long so I don’t know the rest of the officers all that well but out of the few I’ve met you’re by far the most passionate and bold. You know how to command the most unruly soldiers twice your age and size and you never have to rely on your overwhelming feminine features to do so-’” 

She snatched the paper, crumpled it up, and threw it away. She shot him a slight glare before letting out a heavy exhale of annoyance. “How most unprofessional. A love letter?” 

“It sounded rather sweet to me,” he teased. 

“It was a pile of sweet nothings. Drivel. Nonsense like that is why I lack living blood relatives.” 

 

 **3.) “Peacock Parasols”, of Montreal**

It wasn’t the first time he had seen death beyond the walls and it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but it was the first time Erwin lost a close comrade to the Titans. Days after the return he was still very shaken from the experience. When he found himself with any free time he was always in the workout room to try and keep his mind off of it. 

One evening when he was returning to the dorms after dinner, going to gather his things for one last workout before going to sleep, Saskia was standing at the end of the hallway with a red flower in her hands. She was tapping a foot impatiently until she saw him and approached. 

“Here.” She handed him the flower. At first glance he thought it was a rose but the petals were splayed open and of a scarlet hue, not crimson. “This is for you. I know that the last expedition was a…a learning experience for you. These flowers, field poppies, are sometimes planted to commemorate soldiers who died a ‘hero’s death’. My father had such a patch. But I thought that, well, it is silly to differentiate what sort of death makes one a ‘hero’. Anyone who joins the Survey Corps, who braves the world beyond the walls, who fights to make that world ours again is very much a hero in my eyes. That naturally extends to Squad Leader Colleen Berliner. I wanted to give you this in her memory.” 

Hesitantly he took the gift. Field poppies were treated as weeds, an agricultural nuisance. Never before had he heard of using them to commemorate fallen soldiers. “Why field poppies?” he asked quietly, twirling the stem between his thumb and index finger. 

“Those in the field of agriculture are the most aware of how common these flowers truly are, just as we in the military are of casualties. Far more common than the everyday civilian is aware of. The tradition began because there was such abundance and they garnered no profit for farmers, so the military began accepting them to symbolize our deceased comrades. What was once a nuisance became a symbol of everlasting courage and inspiration. Like our fallen comrades.” 

“Like Squad Leader Colleen.”

 

 **4.) “Nothing Good Happens After Dark”, Greeley Estates**

“I am a soldier, I fear nothing, I am a soldier, fear is not a luxury available to me, I am a soldier, I fear nothing…” Saskia murmured these words over and over again as the heavy rains rattled against her windows. “I am so pathetic.” She pounded a fist onto her mattress and buried her face in her pillow. “Stupid storm. Titans are nothing. But this is…argh!” She flung her pillow across her room and dropped her face into her palms, twitching and shaking as forked white light cut the sky in half and the thunder bellowed overhead. She swore the entire headquarters was trembling along with her. 

“If the Commander saw me in such a pathetic state he would take away my sleep privileges in a heartbeat,” she whispered to herself, then cursed under her breath. She could hear his heavy footsteps approaching her bedroom. She scrambled for her pillow and quickly made her bed, trying her hardest to hold as still as possible when he would examine her sleeping form to ensure she was doing just that and succumbing to her childhood fear. “Which I of course would deserve,” she added, a way of scolding herself for seemingly questioning the inevitable reprimanding. 

Instead of a click preceding the turn of a handle, followed by those same footsteps gaining in volume upon entering her room she heard a third party make his way onto the scene. She immediately recognized the cadence and pace as Erwin’s. Before wondering why he was awake and outside her sleeping quarters, approaching the Commander, she swore to herself she would scold him in the morning for breaking curfew. That is, until she overheard them talking. Apparently the massive amount of rainwater had overwhelmed the plumbing, causing a pipe to leak near the third floor male dormitories and he wanted to let the Commander know right away. There was no doubt damage done elsewhere in the building as well. 

When questioned as to why he was on the first floor looking for the Commander, and not the second where his office was located, he swiftly responded that he intended to alert Saskia first as she handled much of the repair work around the building. Whether or not he said that because he knew she would be awake, terrified, and Shardis would be coming to ‘check on her’ or because her assistance in repairing the pipes was required she hadn’t the faintest idea. And though the question plagued her for a few weeks, as she didn’t want Erwin to feel the need to protect her from a necessary punishment for her crippling weakness, she let it go. But only because it meant that there was extra work for her to do and her fear of thunderstorms was her second greatest weakness, her first being her love of work (especially when they were outside what was normally expected of her).

 

 **5.) “You Only Live Once”, The Strokes**

“No, one hundred times over. It will never happen.” 

“And if the Commander ordered you to?” 

“That is a radically different scenario from what you are proposing!” Saskia snapped. “No. I do not need to be an officer. I will never be an officer. I am perfectly content where I am, doing what I do.” 

“What if it were possible to be an officer but continue doing what you already do?” 

“There is no such office,” she briskly replied as she leafed through a training exercise proposal a squad leader had drafted and wanted her opinion on. 

“Saskia, how old are you?” 

“I sincerely hope that is rhetorical…” She made the occasional scoff or grunt of disapproval. Whatever the squad leader had concocted, they weren’t going to get any positive feedback from the ravenette. 

“You are seventeen. Almost an adult. You’ve lived here your entire life. You know this building and the mechanics of the military structure better than most of your senior officers.” He paused when she gave him a warning glare for his last remark. “Haven’t you ever wanted to…be like that? To be more than this?” 

“Why be more than what I am? Why go beyond my station?” 

“Because you’re capable.” 

She scrunched her nose and held out the bundle of papers she had finished reviewing. “Return this to its unfortunate owner, Superior Team Leader Erwin Smith.” 

“Saskia-” 

“ _Now_.” 

“On one condition.” 

“Are you really trying to make a bargain with me right now?!” 

“You’re giving me an order. Did you realize that? My rank is above yours, whatever yours is, and you’re giving me an order. You give everyone orders except for the Lance Corporal and the Commander, unless the Commander tells you to give orders to the Lance Corporal.” 

“I am no leader.” 

“But you aren’t a follower. You’re an enforcer. An enabler. And you’re content with that going unrecognized?” He grabbed the paperwork from her. 

“If I am ‘enforcing’ and ‘enabling’ as you so claim then it does go recognized, as whatever and whomever I enforce or enable is recognized. The outcome of my efforts, whatever they may be, are recognized.” 

“But don’t you want your efforts themselves to be recognized? For people outside of the military to know who you are and what you do?” 

“No,” she said bluntly. 

“I don’t believe you,” he said dismissively. “You have one chance to experience all this world has to offer, and I’m going to see to it that you experience it whether you like it or not. There’s more to this world than these for walls.” 

“Of course. You forgot the window.” She pointed over her shoulder with her thumb. “Even if there is a world to be experienced, one which I am entitled to experience as a rightful inhabitant of this world, that does not mean I should. My talents are best utilized here, where there is work to be done.” 

“I think the men who put up that secret panel to the sub-basement for someone to one day stumble upon, to see those literary relics and catch glimpses of our world long before the Titans came, would disagree with you. You said having that knowledge is like having all the memories of countless generations before us, and that our ancestors live on through us and the material culture they leave behind. If you’re the only one who knows about the contents of that room and how to access it then you are a link between that past and our future. Tell me, exactly how can a sheltered little girl who spends all her time in an office is going to restore humanity’s glory by reviving its past if she won’t even recognize that she herself is capable? Oh, and _that_ was rhetorical because we both know the answer.” 

“You really believe I am letting my life go to waste here?” she asked quietly. 

“What I believe doesn’t matter because you aren’t listening to a damn thing I’m telling you. But you can’t deny that you have this one life, this one chance, to remind humanity exactly why it’s here in the first place. That’s not something you can do behind a desk. So why hold yourself back?” 

“…did I or did I not tell you to deliver that paperwork?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding number three, field poppies have been used in remembrance of soldiers who died in WWI, hence their usage here. Also, the squad leader mentioned is an OC of my friend xxtheblackdevilxx over on deviantART. I plan on using her again in more flashbacks :)


	3. The Young Adult and the Adult

**1.) “Love Will Never Do (Without You)”, Janet Jackson**

“I can honestly say that it is not something I see in my immediate future.” 

“Perhaps not immediate but I would wager to say that in five or so years, you’ll change your mind.” 

“And since when are you a betting man?” Saskia raised an eyebrow at Erwin. 

“When I have reason to believe I’m right,” he replied nonchalantly, knowing the tone would irritate her even further than the topic at hand. 

“Oh? And what exactly have I done to make you think I will someday change my mind?” she asked defensively. 

“Nothing. Nothing yet. And though I dread the day you do, it’s going to happen.” 

“My heart is already spoken for, thank you very much. It belongs to the Survey Corps, my one true love,” she said with a slight grin. “If you can take a vow to remain unattached for the duration of your lifetime, who is to say I am incapable of doing the same?” 

“Do you want to?” 

“I hate when you answer my question with a question.” 

“You did it all the time. I’m only following the example set by my superior officer, _General_.” 

“Well, generally speaking, I am not particularly fond of the topic of romance in my future. It…it would be a distraction. A hindrance. You know, despite being so convinced that I will someday change my mind, I would wager to say that if something possessed me into doing so you would have a conniption.” 

“We’ll see when the time comes.” 

“It never will. There is no room for love in my life. But you most certainly would hate it. All that overprotective brother nonsense and the like.”

 

**2.) “I Try”, Macy Gray**

“First he tries to convince me that someday I will change my stance on having a romantic relationship and now that there is someone in the immediate environment who apparently fits the bill, he is in a panic. He tries to play it off as agitation but he has no idea what to do because he feels responsible for my emotional well-being…or something.” 

“He’s your brother. He just doesn’t want to see you get hurt,” Hanji reasoned. 

“If Levi poses any sort of threat to me it is not my emotional well-being he would bring harm to,” Saskia muttered, shaking her head. “Now, tell me again what it is you want me to propose to the Commander. I do not want to misrepresent your wish by wording it improperly.” 

The brunette ungracefully plopped down on Saskia’s couch and turned towards her. “You remember what I told you about that Titan arm, right? About how light it was despite being a little bigger than you?” 

Saskia’s eye twitched. “Yes, I recall both the discovery and the comparison.” 

“We were never taught anything about their anatomy and physiology as trainees, other than the weak spot.” She pointed to the back of her neck. “They never even told us how they discovered that weak spot! So with the Commander’s permission, and you as my advocate, I’d like to be a…” She scratched her cheek as she mentally fumbled and stumbled around, seeking out the most eloquent way of wording her request. 

“You want to be our mad scientist.” 

“Well yes, but I wouldn’t present it to the Commander like that!” Hanji laughed. “We can kill and fight, partly because we have no choice but more importantly we don’t know what else to do. What Titans are, what they’re made of, what makes them tick. They can’t speak but are able to make facial expressions that seem to convey emotion. They have no reproductive organs that we’re aware of but they keep popping up left and right. They aren’t as active at night. We know how to end their life. I want to better understand what it means to live as a Titan.” 

“On a biological level.” 

“It would be hard to do so on a psychological level if they couldn’t talk to me!” 

“I knew from the moment you and I first conversed that you have a very analytical mind.” _Obviously a Virgo. Did not need to look at her dossier to confirm that._ “And that is essential in the scientific field. The only problem I foresee arising is the fact that you are still a cadet. I will propose to him that, when you are more experienced in dealing with Titans, you be granted permission to study them on a level we have failed to in the history of the Survey Corps. I only ask that you remain mindful of the fact that he might not be the Commander when your rank elevates so even if he does approve, it is the successor who will have the final say.” 

“You and I both know that’s gonna be Erwin so I don’t see a problem!” 

“I wish you all the best in convincing him.” 

“But if I have you on my side-” 

“If I cannot convince him, no matter how hard I try, that I have no feelings beyond the professional for Levi then how in the hell am I supposed to convince him that it is a good idea for you to try and study live Titans?” 

“They wouldn’t **have** to be alive but that would make it easier, now that I think about it…” 

“Keeping a live Titan as a test subject on base? If that day ever comes then I will cover myself head to toe in makeup and approach Levi, wearing as few layers as possible, and proposition him,” Saskia replied sarcastically. The two continued to chat a little more about Hanji’s hopes to become their resident scientist, something Saskia sincerely hoped to see happen and made no secret of it. After another half-hour or so the General was due for a briefing with the other officers and had to dismiss Hanji. 

The brunette quickly made her way to Erwin’s office before he too made it to the meeting, catching him just as he was about to leave. 

“Anything?” he asked urgently. 

“Nothing explicit but when she says his name her eyes light up. If you pay close attention you’ll see it too. But if you really want to get a confession out of her then this is what we have to do- find a way to keep a live Titan on base as a subject for me to experiment on.” 

“…we what?” 

“She said if we did then she’d get dolled up, dress like a slut, and -to use her words- ‘proposition him’. And since she _always_ keeps her word we HAVE to try-” 

“If that’s the case then there is no fucking way I will allow a live Titan to be kept here.”

 

**3.) “Forget About the Rain”, Trapt**

“There would be a thunderstorm on my birthday. The day I become a legal adult…” Saskia shut the blinds on her office window and pressed her forehead against the wall. “An adult should not be afraid of a storm. I should not have been afraid of them as a child! I was born to be a soldier; if there is one thing I am allowed to fear it is Titans. Or the potential extinction of humanity…No, that implies lack of faith in the Survey Corps and the Commander and that is an unforgiveable sentiment.” She pounded a fist against the wall and gritted her teeth. “But a storm? This is ridiculous. The Commander tried to force it out of me but nothing worked…Nothing. Why do I cling to fear?” 

She grabbed her poncho and prepared to go outside to rid herself of the fear once and for all. Before she even made it out of her office a pair of footsteps she was slowly committing to memory approached. _Damn._ “Name and business,” she ordered after a peppy knock. 

“Cadet Hanji Zoe to deliver a message from Squad Leader Erwin Smith.” 

_She is not even in Erwin’s squad…Must have encountered him earlier. He is busy right now after all._ “Enter.” She set her poncho aside and leaned against the front of her desk as the new cadet came in. She saluted and silently gave the soldier a folded letter. “Did he specify the nature of the message?” Saskia asked, eyebrow raised as she unfolded the note. 

“No he didn’t, ma’am.” 

“Given name will suffice,” she said monotonously, voice tapering slightly as she read the note. 

_It’s your birthday. All storms pass eventually, but this entire day belongs to you. Don’t let something temporary ruin the day. Forget the rain._

She felt a warmth in her chest and her characteristic smile broadened. Hanji cleared her throat to get Saskia’s attention. “He did say though that today is your birthday so…happy birthday!” she exclaimed. The exuberance in her voice drowned out the thunder. 

“Thank you Hanji,” Saskia replied quietly. _And thank you, Erwin._

 

**4.) “The Times They Are-A Changin’,” Bob Dylan**

“You aren’t even a little excited? In a few minutes you’re going to be sworn in as the first General of the Survey Corps.” 

“Something I never wanted and you incessantly pushed for despite my protest,” Saskia hissed as she straightened her jacket. “Though I do not believe in a linear chain-of-command, not after our most recent Lance Corporal was killed, I have mixed feelings about creating a new office just for me. Or being second-in-command. Not the fact that it temporarily displaces the position of Lance Corporal but…” She pulled up her hair and tied it tightly in a high ponytail. “It is a heavy responsibility.” 

“You already carry plenty of responsibility. As far as I’m concerned nothing is changing here other than you earning a title. And yes, a new rank is being created but not for you. Because of you.” 

“If you say so. You do know that this means I will be your superior, correct?” 

“You’ve been ordering me around when you were barely in the double digits,” Erwin chuckled as he watched her continue to fuss with her appearance. “After about twelve years of that, I think I can handle it.” 

“You say that now…” she grinned and turned around. “Am I presentable?” 

“You were presentable twenty minutes ago. It’s not like you to obsess over your appearance like this.” He reached out to put his hand on her head. “Maybe I should ruffle your hair a little-” 

“Erwin Smith I swear to the stars if you so much as come within five centimeters of my scalp I will relieve you of yours!” she threatened, shoving his hand away. “OK…Time to get this over with.” 

“Are you really that upset with me?” he asked as they made their way to one of the larger conference halls in the building, the same place where all new officers would take an oath and be sworn into their position. 

“As I said, I have mixed feelings. But…are you aware of the fact that this is the first time you have asked me how I feel about it? Any of it?” 

“No, but I suppose on some subconscious level I knew if I did ask the room for arguments would only grow.” 

“God forbid I voice my opinion when it clashes with yours,” she muttered and opened the large double doors. She was used to being the center of attention, having all eyes on her, but the more she experienced it the more it made her uncomfortable. Her body went into autopilot, carrying her to the front of the room where the Commander waited with a copy of the Survey Corps’ code of conduct. 

_There is nothing special about what I do_ , she thought to herself as she placed her left hand, her dominant hand, on the text. _Why give it any recognition? Change is inevitable but this change…it is necessary?_

 

**5.) “Fire in the Water”, Feist**

“We’re like fire and water. Not really because he is an earth sign and I’m a water sign, but you know what I mean. Complementary, sure. But blended? No, not possible. I douse him, he makes me overheat…” Saskia’s lips curled into a thin line and she held up her hand. “That came out wrong. That couldn’t have sounded any more wrong. Well, I could’ve said he makes me boil, which he does sometimes! But with rage, not lust! I see nothing wrong with continuing to work together. After all, most of the reason for doing so was because I knew he would be the perfect ally in doing away with Flagan and ultimately Lobov. But I needed a cover for that and if we were to suddenly stop now that the trial is over and both have been executed, it would look very suspicious.” 

“Certainly,” Erwin agreed, not looking up from his desk. Watching an annoyed Saskia pace back and forth gave him a headache. “What exactly are you two doing together?” 

“Why are you acting as if the entire reason he’s in the Survey Corps is to come and whisk me away like something out of a fairy tale? A literary genre which, might I point out, is no more than insubstantial bullshit?” 

“I don’t like how close you two are becoming _outside_ of working together.” 

“But it’s perfectly acceptable for you and I to be so close.” 

“It is. Because you’re my sister.” 

“Oh, so that’s what this is. The dominant male in the family feels threatened by the presence of a new male that the dominant female is becoming attached to. Platonically! Professionally! Ugh, just let it go! There is absolutely nothing going on between Levi and myself.” 

“So you’re on a first name basis now.” 

“We have been for months- No, no, no, you cannot and will not use that against me. What’s wrong with being on a first name basis?” 

“It’s very ‘platonic’ but hardly ‘professional’,” he replied in a mocking tone. 

She repeatedly slammed her palm against her forehead. “I swear to God if you don’t drop this imaginary subject I will ram a blade so far up your ass you’ll taste nothing but shit and steel for weeks.” 

“Are you listening to yourself? You even sound like him!” 

“That’s the natural consequence of spending time around someone else! You adopt and appropriate their diction!” 

“Really? Because he has yet to be as eloquent as you.” 

“This is a very surprising reaction coming from someone whose astrological sign is in the Seventh House,” she hissed as though it were a scathing insult. He slowly lifted his head to give her an awkward stare, searching for some sort of response but quickly retreated from the pointless verbal battle. “As I suspected. No response because you know that I am right.” 

“No response because I have no idea what you just said,” he corrected. 

“Though I suppose the fact that he’s an Earth sign and I’m a Water sign is a little intimidating, as they are more compatible than Water and Air. Generally, that is.” 

“If you say so.” 

“Then you agree that it makes perfect sense that he and I would mesh together so well, even if our relationship is strictly professional. The platonic element is inevitable. Ha, element. Astrology pun…” She giggled softly to herself, ignoring the glare he had been sending in her direction after dropping the ‘r’ word (relationship). 

“How can I genuinely agree when, again, I have no idea what you’re saying?” 

“Oh it’s quite simple really. All twelve signs belong to what’s called a ‘House’, which is their domain if you will-” 

“That wasn’t an invitation for an astrology lecture.” 

“Had me fooled. Don’t you remember when I was younger and you were convinced that someday I would want to pursue a romantic relationship? And I said when the time came, which I still don’t believe it will, I said you hate it? Looks like I was right. The very idea of me being in a romantic relationship has you on edge.” She stopped her pacing and approached his desk, resting her forearms on it. “Listen. The more you go on about this, the more it sounds like you really don’t trust me with myself. Look me in the eye and tell me you trust me with myself.” 

He sighed and faced her. “I trust you with yourself.” 

“Now tell me the truth.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why all these fricken' love songs keep popping up on my Spotify playlist since I have plenty of angsty shit on there so I had to warp them a little. Number two being the best example of that, as it is most definitely a direct reference to the OVA 'Ilse's Journal'.
> 
> Also, more anti-Levaskia sentiment from Erwin. It will be explained in TTK and no, it's not simply overprotective big brother or 'sister not allowed to date my friends/my friends not allowed to date sister'. Feel free to take a stab at the real reason, but I won't confirm or deny anything. I'm just curious as to what your ideas might be :)


	4. Two Adults

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This spans 845 to to 850. Each specific year will be listed by the song title.

**1.) “The Enemy”, Static-X (845)**

It took her twenty-two years to consider the possibility that it was abuse. It took her twenty-three years to admit that it was, and to an almost absolute stranger at that. Why didn’t she turn to her longest friend first? She didn’t feel as close to Hanji as she did Levi despite knowing her much longer, and Hanji certainly hadn’t endured any sort of life experiences that would grant her the sort of understanding and empathy she needed to fully grasp the unfortunate parameters of her childhood. Despite that, shouldn’t Erwin have been the first she spoke to about it? 

It was too difficult for her to articulate so Levi was unwittingly her messenger. He wanted her to voice it, to tell those she was close to about it, but she was still too shaken from the acceptance to say much of anything other than some sort of military relevance. He understood it on a rational level but it still annoyed him; her crying fits annoyed him far more though, so the sooner it was shared the better for both their sakes. 

Erwin didn’t like that he had to hear it from Levi. He understood on a rational level why Saskia couldn’t put it into words, why she could hardly form words when in the privacy of her bedroom, but it also made it clear that on some other level she trusted Levi more than him. He, who had known her for a little over half of her life and watched her grow and mature. But then it occurred to him…having been so close to her, shouldn’t he have realized it himself? He knew Shardis had always been hard on her, in some ways more so than the cadets, but it never crossed his mind just how far the man had gone. Even if it frustrated him that he had to learn from a third party, that third party being the one who learned first, he at the very least appreciated Levi relaying the information despite his own reservations. It also gave him better insight in why they were close, and his sister’s very character. 

It also gave him a new enemy, one who he was very eager to usurp.

 

**2.) “Some Hearts”, Carrie Underwood (848)**

Erwin had to watch his first major crush, Squad Leader Colleen Berliner, have her spine snapped like a twig. Saskia could fight alongside the one all but she, Lance Corporal Levi Ackermann, would enter a romantic relationship with. Erwin swore that he would never take the chance of being with someone because he didn’t know when his day of expiration would come. Saskia swore she would never take the chance of being with someone because she denied a love she already had for another. Erwin had been Commander for roughly a year and was still learning how to balance his personal and professional life. Saskia had walked the borderline between the two for her entire life. Perhaps some people weren’t meant to be with another as they were needed elsewhere by others for vastly different reasons. And yet the General was the one spending her personal and professional life doing just that, though she still had the opportunity. Was he jealous? No, Erwin didn’t envy what Saskia would someday have. In fact he almost felt sorry for her knowing that it would take a huge toll when the day came. Like rules, some hearts are made to be broken. He knew his would never be, he wouldn’t allow it. But he couldn’t say the same for her.

 

**3.) “When You Come Back Down”, Nickel Creek (849)**

“I am **not** a child. Stop treating me like one.” 

“You have yet to achieve your dream of becoming a miracle worker either and I highly doubt you’ve achieved immortality. So no, I will not allow you to be responsible for all the Deviants we encounter.” 

“Why? Don’t you trust me to-?” 

“Yes, for the thousandth time, I do. If I didn’t you wouldn’t leave Maria. You probably wouldn’t leave headquarters if I didn’t trust you. Do you know what I don’t trust? Titans. I highly doubt that’s ever going to change. You accuse me of being unreasonable and yet you’re asking me to grant you permission to do the very things that Shardis, the man who _stole your childhood_ and **forced** you to become his ‘underling, made you do without any regard for your safety.” 

“Because he knew I could take care of myself!” 

“He didn’t give you a choice!” 

“Neither are you!” 

“Using the strength you earned through what he made you endure won’t perpetuate the psychological damage. I realize that. But what you fail to realize is the extent of the damage. What I’m doing is giving you the choice to undo all the work you’ve invested in the damage he did to you, or accept the fact that you’re not immune to failure. That even you can fall.”

 

**4.) “Buzzed”, Allstar Weekend (850)**

The Military Police loved to flaunt even the slightest success or achievement, especially in the face of the Survey Corps and sometimes at the literal expense of their own government funding. But because they were the watchdogs, the guard dogs of the monarchy there no complaints made loud enough to reach important ears (ears with very selective hearing). 

Sina was known for its high quality lifestyle, but many knew it on a more intimate level for it also had the most high quality prostitutes, high quality alcohol, high quality illegal substances, and high quality fashion. Anyone who was anyone knew about the latest of the greatest social soirees and scandals. It was a cesspool of turpitude just as much as it was luxury. The Military Police could have done something to end the hedonistic behavior but that too would come at their own expense. 

How did all of this impact the Survey Corps? How could they flaunt their ‘turpitude’? By desperately looking for any and every excuse to host a celebration and extending a courteous invitation to the top two, or in the case of the Survey Corps the top three, ranking officials. Each one of them had their reasons for loathing these events. Sometimes Levi would recognize an escort who seemingly ‘worked her way up’ from the underground and none failed to recognize him. Being one of the few females present Saskia was subject to plenty of unwanted advances (which almost caused a fight to break out on five occasions, three almost initiated by Levi and the other two by her; Erwin had to do all he could to maintain composure and not cause a scene). Erwin had to endure Nile’s endless bragging about the Military Police’s success, their close ties with the monarchy, and even had the nerve to talk about his happy marriage with the woman they were once both infatuated with. 

Less than a week before Trost was hit by the Colossal Titan, a time during which the Survey Corps was pre-preparing for the 57th, they received yet another invitation. It was the fifth that year, almost one every month. The Military Police knew how busy they were so it was no doubt deliberate. 

The ride to Sina was long, boring, and uncomfortably quiet. No one had anything remotely positive to say and the slightest verbal exchange could fully stir everyone’s suppressed temper before they even left the district. It was during this ride, no doubt the most stressful because of the upcoming expedition, that prompted the unthinkable. 

“I propose the three of us become completely inebriated and ruin the party.” 

Unfortunately the driver died of a heart attack halfway there preventing them from carrying out Erwin’s idea which met no protest.

 

**5.) “Rumors”, Lindsay Lohan (845)**

“Ruin my credibility as a soldier? That is one of the most prepost-” 

“Yes, it is, but you have to remember that not everyone sees him the way you do. Most, despite his skill, still see an infiltrator.” 

“You mean thug. And by working with him, even to help do away with Darlett and Lobov I am potentially sullying my credibility as a trustworthy soldier. Is there a lack of trust breeding, rumors starting…? Where did this begin?” 

“Rumors, from my understanding. Keep in mind that you haven’t only been working with him until you made your request to the Commander. You’ve been working with Levi since he came here months ago, when he still was a thug.” 

“Why did I not hear of the rumors then? Or were they not circulating yet?” 

“They probably were, but if I had to guess…I think you were far too busy doing the right thing for such trivial chatter to reach you.” 

“The right thing? And here I thought you disapproved of my actions and decisions.” 

“Objectively speaking, it’s hard to take issue with someone making effort to help someone turn their life around. However it sounds like most others saw it as pity or sympathy. In other words turning a blind eye to his former life, treating it as permissible because he was inducted into the Survey Corps. God forbid anyone say something terrible about the Survey Corps when you’re within earshot.” 

“They can do so all they like. If they don’t want to keep their tongue, that is. I’d like to see them spread rumors about then.” 

“They can be written.” 

“Hands are much easier to cut off than tongues.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looking at the first part, even though we know now that Erwin made a deal to become the next Commander long before any of this happened he has personal reasons to look forward to getting rid of Shardis and his influence on Saskia. So, whose side is he on? I'd say we'll know in about four-six chapters ;) Think of these as Easter eggs!
> 
> Squad Leader Colleen Berliner belongs to xxTheBlackDevilxx over on deviantART.


	5. The General and the Commander

**1.) “Worker’s Song”, Dropkick Murphys (848)  
**

“A draft? I sincerely hope you’re joking. These soldiers come to us as adolescents out of their own volition, yes, but generally to escape or amend unfortunate familial circumstances. And now you’re considering forcibly-” 

Erwin put up a hand to silence Saskia. “I never said I was considering it. But, after finally having finished reading through all the material leftover from Shardis holding this office, I found plans for implementing a draft. I’m sure you can guess where he wanted to start recruiting from.” 

“The refugees from Maria.” Saskia folded her arms over her chest. “The poor are always the expendables ones. That…that’s sowing the seeds for class warfare, that’s what that is!” 

“No. Maria’s refugees were second. According to this…” He handed Saskia one of the many papers from the voluminous pile on his desk. “He wanted to start in the underground.” 

She scoffed as she glossed over the outline for a plan that, so long as she lived and breathed, would never be implemented. “Of course. The refugees of Maria are expendable, but those from the underground are nothing to begin with. And I’m sure he would’ve tried to pass this off as altruism, to give them a chance at a life they would otherwise never have. Bring them out of poverty, out from a literal underground. Disgusting.” She handed it back to him. “Why are you presenting this to me? I’m not the second-in-command.” 

“No, you aren’t. But the second-in-command is from the underground, and I feared that he wouldn’t be able to look at this plan objectively.” 

“Why are we even looking at it to begin with?” 

“Because Zackley sent an inquiry about its progress.” 

“Shardis already put the wheels in motion, received his permission.” 

“Exactly. And I need your help formulating an argument as to why that will never happen.” 

“Oh?” Her eyebrows quirked. “That is a plan I most certainly can assist you with.”

 

 **2.) “The Heart of the Matter”, Bush (849)**

“Did I make the right decision?” Erwin glanced over his shoulder. Instead of speaking in his office he came to Saskia’s; she knew right away the conversation would be of a personal nature. So why he was asking about work she couldn’t even begin to fathom. 

“I forbade the Commander from entering my office,” she said bluntly, not looking up from her desk. “Now what is it that my brother needs my thoughts on?” 

“The decision I made.” 

She slammed down her paperwork. “If I hear the voice of my Commander one more time.” She held up a finger. “Once more, and I am kicking you out. Seek out Levi’s counsel. That _is_ his job, after all.” 

He sat down on her couch, slightly hunched over and hands folded in his lap. “She was my Squad Leader. And she greatly influenced my decision making, my understanding of leadership. By which I mean I rarely agreed with her but had utmost respect for her tenacity. Her ideals live on in you, as you did take her words and teachings to heart. So I’m asking you, as the one who knew Colleen best in that regard, if I made the right decision.” 

“No, you’re asking if she would be disappointed or if she would agree of what you did,” Saskia corrected matter-of-factually. “And while Colleen is without a doubt the most beautiful soul I have ever known in my young life, I fail to see why the approval of a memory is literally haunting you. Especially if you found yourself at odds with her ideology on the regular.” 

“It’s the only way I know to keep her memory alive. A memory which doesn’t involve her being ripped in half.” 

Saskia bit her lip, ashamed to admit she had forgotten how deeply that memory impacted him. “If I’m hearing you correctly, you wish to approach your leadership position as one who takes into consideration the ideas of everyone before making an executive decision. You didn’t do that in this instance, and it’s eating away at you like acid. First, Colleen wouldn’t want to see you moping like this. Oh don’t even bother giving me that look. I’m immune to it courtesy of Levi. But she wouldn’t. If there’s anything she disapproves of, it’s dwelling. She would encourage you to learn from whatever you perceive to be a mistake and take that knowledge to heart, using it in your decision making process in the future. And let’s not forget that while Colleen abhors violence she also understands it to be a necessary evil; there’s a stark difference between having an inherently violent heart and doing something which unfortunately ended in violence. She knows it’s a dangerous world, and we need to be able to adapt. Actions which call for violence are sometimes the only way to do that to ensure the safety of the masses. She also knows that events such as these are what bring people closer together, as I learned with Levi in June of 844. They teach us not to take our fellow humans for granted. That’s what she would say. Despite the miserable outcome, it has reminded you of your appreciation and concern for humanity. And that is something she’ll most certainly approve of, assuming you’re still desperate for that.” 

“Why…are you talking about her in present tense?” 

She shrugged. “You said so yourself, Erwin. I took her ideals to heart, the natural consequence of which being that they live on through me. Lack of physical presence doesn’t mean someone is truly gone.” Sighing, she dropped her chin in her palm. “Is that a satisfactory answer?”

 

 **3.) “On My Way to Satisfaction”, Girls Aloud (847)**

After Erwin ascended to Commander he knew that the work dynamic he had with Levi would undergo a dramatic change, which he gladly welcomed. The two had without question gotten off on the wrong foot. He didn’t, however, anticipate such huge changes with Saskia. 

She had been his superior officer for a few years now, at his urging. Now she was two ranks beneath him on paper, but treated no differently than a secondary second-in-command. This made punitive measures all the more difficult. Were it anyone from cadet all the way to squad leader he could come up with something generic on the fly. But for a secondary second-in-command? It required far more mental energy than he wanted to spend. 

She followed his orders to the letter. Ensuring that every plan was carried out was never an issue. Her methods for getting for Point A to Point B were a different story. They’d had disagreements in the past, debates between two soldiers. He was more than just a soldier now, he was the Commander. Disagreements were no longer an occasional exchange of harsh words. They were that and then some. 

‘Selfish’ was one of the last words that came to mind when talking about the General. She was practically allergic to such behavior. At least, that’s how it had seemed from below. Now that he was above her and had to scrutinize her every move her was seeing a side of her he didn’t know existed. And ‘selfish’ was the first word to come to mind. 

“You know that I can’t give you special treatment.” 

“I would hope not. Otherwise, I would no longer think you qualified to be Commander. I still fail to see any infraction-” 

“That’s the problem, General. You and I both know that Shardis let you get away with a great deal as it coincided with the mold he created for you. Everything you did pleased him as you didn’t know better. Now you do, and you have yet to prove that to me.” 

Her face flushed with anger. “In other words I must conform to your mold for me, lest I wish more conversations like this in the future. Am I hearing you correctly?” 

He grit his teeth. “No, you’re hearing what you want to hear. I gave you very specific instructions-” 

“Which, had I followed, would have sabotaged-” 

“I don’t recall giving you permission to speak. Remember your place, General. Don’t speak over me again.” 

She inhaled sharply. “Yes sir. I apologize, sir.” Her words were sincere, but only because of the power dynamic in play. Had they been conversing anywhere other than Erwin’s office it would’ve been artistically delivered with delightful sarcasm. 

“Seeing as you have your hands in a little bit of everything, I can’t assign you a specific task as punishment. Tell me General, outside the duties you’re obligated to carry out as a superior officer, what is your favorite area to provide assistance?” 

“Favorite? I am certain I could pick one…” She paused thoughtfully. “But if I had to choose, it would assisting Squad Leader Hanji in her experiments.” 

“Funny, I thought your answer would involve a different squad leader,” he replied. “Regardless, you’re forbidden from assisting Squad Leader Hanji in her experiments for the next three months. Any and every record you’ve made from helping is to be relinquished to Squad Leader Hanji so she doesn’t lose any valuable material. But she is going to lose a valuable partner. Keep that mind the next time you take a course of action that only serves to satisfy your individual expectations.” 

“We had the same expectations, Commander. I had to make a very difficult decision, one which forced me to go against your orders. Do you truly believe I derived even the slightest amount of ‘satisfaction’ from that?” She raised an eyebrow at him. 

“I don’t know what to think about you right now.”

 

**4.) “Beautiful Thieves”, AFI (849)**

 

“This is arguably one of my least favorite parts of returning from an expedition,” Saskia muttered to herself as another squad leader handed her the badges he managed to retrieve from his fallen squad members. He added four names to her all too long list. She thanked him solemnly, offered her sympathies for the loss, and promised she would take the badges to their families. After she collected them all she stuffed them in breast pocket and carried a clipboard of named to Erwin’s office. 

“Commander.” She knocked softly. “I have the list of names and the badges we were able to retrieve.” 

“Come in General.”

She quietly stepped in, eyes glued to the list. Thirty-two names. That was one thousand names too many. “Would you like me to return them now? I can begin the letters first, if you would prefer.” 

Erwin raised an eyebrow at her. He had forgotten how she sometimes had trouble differentiating between the previous and current Commanders’ expectations of her. “That won’t be necessary. You don’t need to return the badges yourself. Why not let the squad leaders do it?” 

“Because we have lost squad leaders as well. Squad Leaders who answer to myself, to a degree Lance Corporal Levi, and you.” 

“General, I know you’re tired of hearing this, but once again it needs to be said. You don’t need to feel guilty. You didn’t kill anyone.” 

She grit her teeth. “Is that how you cope with it? Is that what you tell yourself? That you played no part in what happens to them, our comrades? The ones we have trained for years, supported for years, bonded with-?” 

“Their deaths don’t reflect on you as a poor figure of authority.” 

“Then how can I be expected to be taken seriously if those I train to protect themselves are killed?” She shook her head. “I know how firmly you believe in necessary sacrifices, but how far does that extend? Is there a limit? A certain number of human lives that needs to be reached before you feel any semblance of responsibility?” 

“Responsibility? Ever since Levi joined the Survey Corps you’ve been trying your hardest to convince him that he’s not responsible for the deaths of Isabel Magnolia and Farlan Church. You agreed with me when I said it was the Titans who killed them, not him. And yet here you are saying _I_ should take responsibility for what happens to soldiers now?” 

“…with all due respect due, sir, the fact that you seem to express little to no guilt disturbs me. Greatly.” 

“I express it in solitude,” he countered sharply. “After all, we can’t allow those we’re meant to protect to see us in moments of weakness, can we?” he asked rhetorically. “If I’m guilty of anything then so are you, which is something Shardis drilled into your head and I -among others- have been trying to undo.” 

“It has nothing to do with that!” she insisted. “You…you are the Commander. You are the public face of the Survey Corps. And as far as the general population is concerned we steal their children, seducing them with a romantic view of military service. You ask everyone to offer their beating hearts to humanity but…What happens when we run out of beating hearts? The human population is…I cannot believe I am going to call it this, but the human population is a ‘finite resource’.” 

“You think I don’t care about those who die because my philosophy revolves around the inevitable deaths. Is that it?” He paused, giving her time to meditate on the question, but spoke up before she respond. “Give me that.” He extended a hand. “Give me the clipboard and the badges. You and Levi are in charge until I return. Understood?” 

“Yes sir.”

 

 **5.) “They Say You Grow”, Butterfly Boucher (847)**

“General, do you have a moment?” 

“I have some time to spare. Come in Commander.” 

Erwin entered Saskia’s office. As usual she was hard at work scribbling away on this, that, and the other. He cleared his throat and she dropped her pen immediately, giving him her full attention. “I need your feedback on something.” 

“Why mine?” she asked with a surprised laugh. “Is Levi not your second-in-command?” 

“Levi hasn’t served under two Commanders.” 

“Nor have I. I served under a psychopath, and now I serve under a proper Commander.” 

“Define ‘proper’.” 

“Oh for the love of…” She threw her head back and groaned. “Erwin, forget the General and Commander for a minute, because your sister is sooooooo close to yelling at you.” She straightened up in her chair. “You’ve been the 13th Commander for two months. Only two months. It’s a little soon for an evaluation, don’t you think? You’ve hardly had any opportunities to exercise your authority in its fullest capacity. Call me biased, call me impatient and trying to rush this conversation so I can get back to work, whatever. We did the same thing when you became a Team Leader, a Superior Team Leader, and then a Squad Leader. How did those conversations go? Just like this! Were you really expecting something different? If so that’s the definition of insanity, so perhaps I have served under two psychopaths. Snarky comments aside, it’s something you grow into. My God, Levi is struggling with it. I did too. And I still do. You’re always going to doubt yourself, second guess your decisions…But I mean it, truly I do, when I say that you’re doing just fine thus far. You’re just fine. So whenever you find yourself questioning that, or not believing it at all, come find me and I’ll remind you until it sticks.” 

“…that is by far the most hypocritical thing I’ve ever heard you say.” 

“I was talked into being General,” she reminded, finger in the air. “Here, how about this. Think about the things you want to accomplish as the 13th Commander. Things that no other Commander has done. That means no writing an anthem because the 3rd Commander covered that. And no raising a child soldier either. I would kick your ass if you even considered doing that. Think about…the mark you want to leave behind. Legacy. How are people going to remember the 13th Commander of the Survey Corps, Erwin Smith? If you can set those goals and accomplish the objective, then you’re doing alright.” She rolled her eyes. “Did…did I really give you an eloquent version of the ‘follow your dreams and you can accomplish anything’ and other such fluff narrative? Did I give you a silly pep talk? I need to find Levi.” She shook her head, clearly disappointed, as she set her work aside and stood up. 

“What…do you need from Levi?” Erwin asked confused as he followed her out. 

“To tell me I sound like an idealistic idiot of course,” she replied with a perky grin. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed it’s a tradition of sorts that we follow quite religiously." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the last installment for the five song challenge. I have plans for more relating to TTK so stay tuned. Colleen Berliner belongs to xxtheblackdevilxx from deviantART.


End file.
